This Is The Key To Victory!
by The Spark That Bled
Summary: It's Urusei Yatsura, gone horribly wrong! Or horribly right? Two young women find a great destiny with each other, over a game that decided the fate of humanity! But first they must survive their engagement... And high school!  yuri/femmeslash warning!
1. This Ain't No Game!

Remember, almost everyone involved in this are the property of their respective license holders! Please don't write fan fiction at home, unless supervised by a responsible parent or guardian! 

THIS IS THE KEY TO VICTORY!

AN URUSEI YATSURA FANFICTION

BY THE SPARK THAT BLED

ROUND ONE:

THIS AIN'T NO GAME! 

Mr. Invader looked up at the massive computer that sat in the middle of the flagship of the Urusian Invasion Authority's main fleet. It was a huge thing, that would take up the space of the average high school classroom and ask for seconds, full of blinking lights, pinging sounds, ponging sounds, and whirling gears.

It was big, and therefore it was important, and that was good enough of a job for him. After all, it wouldn't behoove the man to have the thing malfunction and give him some absolute weirdo for the planet's champion. The results would shame his daughter, to have such a substandard opponent for her first game.

"Right then." He said to himself. "Let's get on with it." He grasped a massive golden level with a huge red knob in one fat clawed hand, and pulled hard.

Almost instantly, the machine whirred into life, the various gears all churning and whirling around. In front of him, three gargantuan tumblers whirled in front of him. He watched the tumblers anxiously, waiting for the machine to spit out its result...

One tumbler suddenly stopped with an ear-splitting clang, the side displaying a red number seven, trimmed in gold.

The second tumbler clanged to a stop, also revealing a number seven, like the last one.

Invader watched the last tumbler, still spinning, as if in decision. As if to insult him, the tumbler slowly started to slow down instead of just suddenly stopping, showing the other results on the tumbler: a cherry, a tiger-striped star, a black bar with BAR written all over it, and one of the ugliest looking faces the Oni had ever seen, bald, wrinkled and impassive.

As the tumbler slowly wound down, his stomach twisted as it looked like it was going to land on the ugly face, the eyes staring mockingly at him. He gave the tumbler a hard stare.

The tumbler slowed almost to a stop on that ugly mug, before it was shunted suddenly, and stopped on a red number seven, also trimmed in red.

Suddenly, the massive supercomputer metaphorically exploded into an orgy of bright flashing lights, like a disco lights array gone horribly out of control, while an obnoxious sounding fanfare nearly blew out the ears of everyone present.

Through the assault of flashing lights and loud music, Invader heard somebody cry, "The champion of Earth has been chosen!" Finally, the machine's celebration died down, and the lights changed into a bright neon blue, organising themselves into holographic projectors. In front of them, a face slowly was assembled out of blue light, the face of the person who would face Invader's daughter in her first Game of the Oni, to decide who would claim ownership of the planet Earth.

Invader just hoped that it wasn't some random dumb-ass.

The face, when finished, showed some promise. It was the face of what looked like a random teenager, a boy with oddly elegant beauty in his features. He had black hair that was somewhat long, but cut short at the back, with a fringe that swept down into a single point on his forehead.

"Let's see here..." A wizened general murmured, as he called up the details of the champion of Earth. "Our opponent is about seventeen years old. He currently resides in the country named Japan, in a town named Atami, somewhere in a sector known as Shizuoka Prefecture. His family has been known to wander from place to place in the vicinity of the country's capital, though."

"Businessmen?" Invader asked. "I hate bureaucrats..."

"Not exactly..." The general replied. "The boy has only one parent. And it seems that apparently they don't have much income to go by."

"Oh, salt of the earth type, then?" Invader thought. "Sounds like a challenge here... What's the opponent's name?"

"His name is Fujinami..." The general declared. "Fujinami..."

* * *

"**RYUUNOSUKE!**" The old man bellowed. "Now!"

Ryuunosuke dashed forward alongside the old man, chasing the tide as it receded away, the next one just behind, growing in force. She had no idea why she would be following her father in this retarded game, but if she said no, he would have just gotten mad again. And her arm was still sore from trying to take him down this morning...

"**STUPID SEA! YOU USELESS SEA!**"

The two of them turned on their heels as the wave gathered steam, and begun to chase them down, the lip of the wave just crowning over their heads. Ryuunosuke picked up the pace, trying to outrun the wave as best she could.

Alongside her, her father leapt for the dry ground as she cleared it, and arrived at the ramshackle shack that was their sorry excuse for a teashop. Behind her, the wave broke, and slammed into the wet sand... And the prone body of her father, who hit the sand a little short of the mark.

Ryuunosuke smirked. _Shows what he knew about trying to outrun waves... What a pointless exercise that was..._ She turned around as she stepped into the Hamachaya, and suddenly stopped as she noticed a strange sight.

Two unfamiliar looking men were inside the teashop, both of them looking at her. Both of them wore black business suits, looking for all the world like they stepped out of an office in Tokyo. What were they doing in Atami at this time of year?

Ryuunosuke's thoughts were suddenly put on hold as Ryuunosuke was suddenly sent flying across the room, to land painfully right in front of the two businessmen. The old man stood in the doorway in front of them. "Ryuunosuke! How dare you leave your father behind like that! You should be ashamed oh hello! Welcome to Hamachaya, our humble shop! What would you like to have today?"

The two men stared, numb with shock at the body lying prone across the floor, which the old man quickly walked over to pluck up and start to rather violently slap across the face. "Show some respect for our guests, you insolent boy! Have you no shame in front of the fickle sea?"

"Ah..." One of the black suits began. "We are here to see Fujinami Ryuunosuke..."

"If this is about schooling," The old man began. "I'm telling you, I'm not sending him! The sea and his father's strong hands will provide for him!"

The man stopped, perplexed, and somewhat scandalised. The old man thrusted the still unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed Ryuunosuke staggering towards the two men.

"Uh, what we _mean_ is that your son has been chosen for a great undertaking," The other man began nervously. "One that is of great importance to ourselves, to you and your son..."

"If this great undertaking interferes with the running of the Hamachaya..." The old man said.

"This great undertaking is nothing more than the defence of the planet itself! I believe that one little shitty hut in the middle of an abandoned beach in late autumn is not going to be very _important_ here!"

The old man, Ryuunosuke's father, stared up at the speaker of those last words. And up. And up.

The man was more mountain than man, whose head towered over not only himself, not only the heads of the two suited men, but also threatened to buttress up against the rafters of the Hamachaya. If that wasn't imposing enough, the head of forest green hair, cut short and slicked into a side parting, and massive fangs protruding from his lower jaw, certainly did. His smile, however, was an easy one.

"The name's Invader," the massive man mountain said. "We're here to settle a little something with you guys."

One of the suits motioned towards Invader. "This man is the head of the alien invasion fleet currently threatening our blue planet! He says he will spare the planet on one condition..."

"...that your son plays the Game of the Oni with our champion, my daughter, and wins." The Invader said. "We will retreat in peace. But if she wins, your planet is owned by us. Is that okay with you?"

Ryuunosuke's father approached the large Oni. "So if my son wins a simple game of tag, you'll just go away? And my son will be a hero? With the book rights, movie and video game rights, music rights, all that sort of thing?"

The large man nodded simply. In one sudden move, Fujinami grabbed Invader's hand, and shook it with _shocking_ speed, a huge shit-eating grin on his face. "It's a deal! My son will win the planet Earth it's freedom again, just you wait and see!"

"Hey, wait just a minute here!" A voice piped up. "I didn't agree to any of this crap! The old prick did it for me!"

All eyes looked down on Ryuunosuke. "You moron! Don't you have any care for the future of humanity!" One of the suits yelled.

"What are you talking about?" Ryuunosuke protested. "Why should I go along with anything the old bastard tells me? He's been selling me out since I was a kid! He don't give a shit about me!" She quickly ducked a beer bottle tossed at her head, which shattered against a wooden beam, spilling beer everywhere. "Ya see?"

"You dare throw away a father's love like that?" Fujinami bellowed. "You are a _disgrace_ to the human race!" With that, he started tossing more beer bottles at the kid, who at least was doing a good job of dodging them.

Invader watched the two tussle with interest: it was a good while since the computer picked a pretty strong opponent. He had disapproved of the Invasion Authority's choice of random computer selection of opponents, over his proposal of simply choosing the strongest, most able opponent, simply because it wasted too much time. But to Invader, it helped to avoid any messy circumstances, such as previously conquered planets suddenly uprising against them, not to mention potentially selecting weak opponents that their champions could just steam roll over without any challenge.

But this boy was different. With him, Invader could finally give his daughter the challenge she sorely needed in her life. That was why she had joined the Invasion Authority as a tag champion, after all.

And speaking of his daughter, the ground was starting to tremor roughly beneath them... Looks like she's come to meet the boy before the challenge began tomorrow. Ryuunosuke and the father had noticed it too, looking around in confusion as the various utensils and crockery started rattling with the vibrations coming from the slide engine above.

"What the hell is that?" Ryuunosuke shouted above the din.

"That's your opponent, Ryuunosuke!" Invader answered. "She's come to pay you a visit!"

The rumbling reached a ridiculous level, some of the crockery toppling out of the shelves to shatter upon the floor as, unknown to the others, the massive flagship of the Oni invasion fleet hung above the small tea house, the massive matter transporter on the underside slowly generating energy to send a transmission down to Earth.

In a split second, the teashop was consumed in a massive, blinding explosion of light, blowing the walls apart, bursting the roof inwards, and sending the inhabitants flying, aside from Invader himself, who simply weathered the blast.

Ryuunosuke quickly picked herself up, as a surge of energy in the centre of the room crackled and flashed, and quickly reformed itself into the slim figure of a young teenage girl, with long green hair parted right down the middle, and wearing nothing but a tiger striped bikini and boots.

"Sorry ta keep ya waiting! I'm yer opponent Lum, datcha!"

Ryuunosuke tried to keep her jaw from flapping open, but had little success. Right before her was a beautiful, unearthly young lady, and she was supposed to play tag with her? "Is this some kinda joke?"

"This ain't a joke, kid." Invader said. "If you manage to tag my daughter's horns within ten days, we will leave your planet in peace. What do ya say?"

"**RYUUNOSUKE ACCEPTS.**" Fujinami said, stepping easily in front of his child.

"Hey, wait a second here..." Ryuunosuke began, before she suddenly found herself swamped by a large crowd of press reporters and cameramen bursting out of nowhere, all barraging her with questions.

"Fujinami-san! What are you thoughts on becoming defender of the Earth!"

"Fujinami-san! Fujinami-san! What do you feel about this great responsibility?"

"Fujinami-san! Who do you have as your tailor? The papers want to know whose shirts you wear!"

Ryuunosuke stared ahead, unable to speak, while her father behind her beamed proudly...

* * *

Two days later, Shibuya Rail Station was in anarchy. The entire crossing outside the station was cordoned off, making an impromptu arena for two women, and the strange destiny that they were rapidly heading towards, like two people trapped inside a locked taxi with a crazy man at the wheel, swerving into oncoming traffic.

Ryuunosuke's eyes were fixed on the slim body of her opponent, who danced on her tiptoes with a lightness that defied even the movements of a prima ballerina, or even Bruce Lee.

Her hands tightly balled into fists as her eyes followed her opponent, watching her carefree face. It looked like she was carefree, free of the stakes that were otherwise placed upon her, and her alone, to save her planet from being ruled by aliens.

Ryuunosuke scowled, and damned her father once again, as she always did. It was times like these that she wished that he would just hurry up and die already...

"Ready...!"

The referee, a tall man who wore what looked like a uniform befitting a gridiron referee, raised a starting gun high in the air, and pulled the trigger.

Ryuunosuke dashed forward, her legs pumping as she dashed towards the alien girl who was...

She was standing there, displaying herself like she was some kind of target! Like she was trying to taunt her! That bitch! Standing there like...

_Like she had a trick up her sleeve..._

Ryuunosuke's eyes widened, and she quickly shifted her weight back, to try to avoid over balancing and toppling over. Her worries were confirmed: the girl suddenly leapt upwards. And upwards...and further upwards...

Ryuunosuke's eyes widened as Lum cartwheeled over her head, pirouetting across the air, to land on the ground behind her.

"You can fly?" She exclaimed. "You didn't tell me you could fly!"

"You just didn't do your homework!" Lum answered, almost laughing at her.

"Bullshit!" Ryuunosuke answered (just as a live television camera was trained on her, transmitting her profanity to millions of children across the word). "You think I would care about some alien bitch queen?"

Lum stared at her, thrown by her insult. "H-hey, don't make fun of me!"

Ryuunosuke just glared at Lum. "Don't get stuck up just because you can fly... It just makes this match interesting!"

She crouched forward and leapt towards the girl who, predictably, was taking a few steps back, probably to take flight again. She twisted herself in the air, somersaulting herself to gain a few extra inches of ground.

But it wasn't enough: Lum had already leapt out of her reach, and took to the skies. Ryuunosuke landed on her feet, her knees bending into a crouch. Already, she twisted herself backwards to dash towards the Oni-girl, who fluttered across the air above her.

Ryuunosuke cursed, and started running faster, her legs pumping as she kept the Oni-girl within sight. She was still so high, and Ryuunosuke couldn't find any way to find higher ground to go after her. And with the way she was flying, it wouldn't be easy to just wait until she fluttered to the ground again. She needed a way to get to her...

Her eyes locked on the Hachiko statue in the park... Perfect! It would have been slightly disrespectful, but so would losing to this alien weirdo!

Lum had already fluttered over the statue, and Ryuunosuke simply leaned forward to sprint full-pelt, easily catching up with the alien girl.

Looks like Lum was just playing with her... She would soon find out that was one mistake she didn't need to make!

In one fluid motion, she leapt upwards, her foot landing on the front of the pedestal, and her other landing right on Hachiko's forehead. She sprang upwards, rocketing towards Lum like a firework...

Wait...!

Ryuunosuke yelped as she impacted hard against Lum's stomach, knocking the wind out of the Oni-girl and leaving her hanging above Shibuya Crossing with a long way down. She frantically caught Lum in a tight cinch around her waist, hanging on to her for dear life.

Lum squealed and shook herself hard, swinging Ryuunosuke around her like a human hula-hoop. But Ryuunosuke kept a tight grip, hanging on to her!

"Get her, Fujinami! Get that bitch good!" A random person in the crowd called out, before some Lum-lusting thugs grabbed him and hit him on the head with a garbage can lid.

Hard part was over. Now for the horns...!

Ryuunosuke twisted in the air, moving herself around Lum the best she could. Lum shook and twisted alongside her, her body flip-flopping like a dying fish, in an attempt to dislodge Ryuunosuke. "Let me go! This ain't over!"

Lum twisted her boy once more, and Ryuunosuke jerked as a massive impact slammed into her back. Lum had swung her body against the side of a building, smashing Ryuunosuke against a window.

Ryuunosuke coughed as she strengthened her grip on Lum's waist, even as Lum slammed her against the building again, and shifted her arms so they lifted up Lum's arms! She can touch her horns, if she could just...!

"Lemme GO!"

Ryuunosuke screamed as a blinding flash and a jolt of pain ran straight through her body, Lum's electricity bursting out in all directions. Lighting bolts scattered into the crowds, electrocuting several people, destroying several windows and the two massive display screens at the foot of the Q building...

"...I'm not down yet... I have to win!"

Ryuunosuke fought through the pain of the electric shocks, straining her body against the storm. She had to win! She had to prove she was better! If not for Earth... Then just for her!

Just for her...!

Lum squealed as Ryuunosuke's hands roughly grabbed her horns, gripping the little nubs tightly.

"FUJINAMI HAS WON THE DUEL! FUJINAMI HAS WON! EARTH IS SAVED!"

Lum blinked as Ryuunosuke's hands went slack on her horns. "I won? Did I win?"

Lum blinked in surprise. "Yes, you've won!"

Ryuunosuke smiled softly. "What a relief, man..." Her body slumped roughly against Lum's. "I never met someone like you before. I wish you could just stick around. I wanna get to know you better."

"Ryuunosuke? Ryuunosuke! Ryuunosuke!"

Ryuunosuke jerked as a large hand suddenly slapped her across the face. "RYUUNOSUKE! WAKE UP NOW!" Several more slaps across both cheeks followed, before Ryuunosuke could regain her wits enough to swing her fist at her assaulter...

Lum and Invader watched as Mr. Fujinami went flying in a graceful arc from Ryuunosuke's uppercut, hanging in the air over their heads for long enough to land roughly behind them.

"That boy sure has some spunk in 'im!" Invader said.

Lum nodded happily, before twirling around as Ryuunosuke lifted herself upwards to sit against a light pole. "Daah-ling! You're awake!"

Ryuunosuke blinked as Lum suddenly leapt fowards to catch her in a tight hug. She was thankful for the fact that her ribs, at least, weren't broken in the tussle. "Uh, yeah..."

Invader grinned. "You gave my daughter a pretty good fight up there, ya know! You would make a pretty good match for her!"

"Match?" Ryuunosuke asked, confused. "But didn't we already have a ma-"

Ryuunosuke yelped as a meteor-impact slap on the back hit her, courtesy of her father. "As in WEDDING match, Ryuunosuke! She heard you wish for her to stay with you, and she and her father have granted it! You two are going to get MARRIED!"

Ryuunosuke blinked for a second. She hoped that soon, she would open her eyes, and she would be in her ratty futon at the Hamachaya, instead of suddenly being in Shibuya, with her father and some aliens grinning over her, and a whole bunch of cameramen and photographers taking photographs.

"Ya gotta be kiddin' me!" Ryuunosuke protested. "I ain't marryin' her! I can't marry her! I'm-"

"Daaah-liing!" Lum said. "Don't be like that! On my planet, marriage proposals are sacred! I'm dedicating my life to living with you forever!"

"But I'm a...!"

"And if you cheat on me...!"

"I SAID I'M A CHI-IEEEEEE!" Ryuunosuke screamed, as Lum electrocuted her once again.

"They make a most lovely couple already, Mr. Invader!" Mr. Fujinami exclaimed as Ryuunosuke slumped to the ground, slightly singed. "Now, about those movie rights..."


	2. Wait Just A Damned Minute Here!

Disclaimer: All copyrighted characters are copyrighted by their respective copyright holders, who hold their copyrights! COPYRIGHTS!

THIS IS THE KEY TO VICTORY!

AN URUSEI YATSURA FANFICTION

WRITTEN BY THE SPARK THAT BLED

ROUND TWO: WAIT JUST A DAMNED MINUTE HERE!

"So you're a transfer student, huh?" The rather short looking youth with closely shorn black hair asked, as he pushed the Fujinami's junk barrow through the streets of Nerima Ward. "I'm a transfer student myself. My parents moved here from Kobe. It's a nice place, but they're telling me they had to move to Tokyo 'cause it's where it's at..."

"What's 'it'?" Ryuunosuke asked, as she stared up at the blue sky above, lazing with one leg over the other behind the barrow's cargo. Not that her father, who was driving the little wagon, knew any better.

The youth just shrugged. "Hell if I know. All I know is that my folks shipped me to Furinkan High School. Then they got found out I kept getting into fights there, so they transferred me here. Well, that and the incident with the Chemistry Club, the Martial Arts Club and the Wild Animal Studies Club that left a five metre wide crater in the P.E. grounds. I guess they wouldn't think me to make so much of a ruckus at Tomobiki. I wonder if they're gonna freak when they hear I'm transferring in with Mr. Saviour of the Earth..."

Ryuunosuke twitched, but kept flipping through her copy of _So You're Marrying A Princess From Outer Space: A Guide To Human/Alien Relations_ by Derek Bacon. She figured she might need it, if they were going to be obliged to go through with this wedding thing. But maybe if she actually managed to tell them that it was all a big mistake, and she was really a girl, she would manage to get the alien princess off of her jacksy, and leave this crazy place.

Then again, maybe she could manage her as a friend. Somebody like Lum for a friend would be a pretty good asset against the old man, and would allow her to break free from him once and for all. After all, she never trusted him after she was told what her period actually was, instead of his explanation of it being the wound her mother made from cutting her real penis off before she left them, bleeding every so often. And what would a shitty little hut on the beach would do in comparison to a massive army?

But right now Lum was elsewhere, gone off to some other planet where she could get her Alien Registration Permit, to be able to live on Earth with her. And that gave Ryuunosuke quite a bit of time for her to try to tell her the truth...

"Ryuunosuke!" The old bastard bellowed from the front. "Are you still pushing there?"

The kid kept his mouth tightly shut. Ryuunosuke craned her head away from the book. "Yeah, I'm pushing! Keep ya shirt on!" Scowling, she turned back to the self-help booklet...

...until the wagon suddenly lurched backwards, and Ryuunosuke and the kid suddenly toppled backwards, flattened by the immense amount of stuff raining down on their heads. Ryuunosuke made a strangled cry when the kid found himself wedged against her chest. "Geroffa me! Stop being nasty!"

The kid rocketed off towards the edge of the wagon in record time, his eyes wide in terror. "What... What the heck is that under your shirt? Felt like something my mom would wear!"

Ryuunosuke stood up from the wreckage of the wagon and its cargo. "That's this shameful thing I had to wear since I was thirteen! The thing the old bastard gave me that hides my womanliness to the world! And it's damn uncomfortable as well!"

The kid blinked, looking between Ryuunosuke and Mr. Fujinami, a silence descending upon the street. His eyes widened as something clicked, and he pointed at Mr. Fujinami. "That's sick, man! Making your daughter wear that thing just to get yourself off! ! Don't you have a wife or some other girl to practice your fetish on?"

A resounding CRACK echoed across the street, as several observers suddenly toppled over face first. Only Mr. Fujinami, due to force of will, and Ryuunosuke, due to lack of understanding, were still standing.

"And who are you, shrimp?" Fujinami asked.

The kid scowled. "My name is Ichimonji Hayato! And I ain't no shrimp! What's with the gauze corset on your daughter?"

"I don't make my son wear that thing to get off, stupid boy." Fujinami answered. "It's for those massive tumours on his chest, that have been a bane of our lives! And it's CLOTH, you height-challenged moron, not gauze!"

"You can see a doctor, or a clinc for that, you know!" The kid responded angrily. "That corset isn't gonna help any!"

"He's talking about my tits, you moron!" Ryuunosuke shouted.

"I know that!" Hayato and Fujinami shouted in unison.

Fujinami suddenly turned around on his heel, the little wagon behind him again, much to everyone's confusion (especially as he managed to get everything on it back in order. "Well, I'm off now, to apply at the school on your behalf. Catch up with you soon, Ryuunosuke!" And with that, he dashed off for Tomobiki High School.

Hayato and Ryuunosuke were left standing in his dust, looking confused. They exchanged glances. A second later, they both dashed off as well, chasing the old man down.

* * *

Shinobu hated Mondays. She hated them with a passion, like all but the most studious and humourless student. But her family was always talking about how she needed to go to a very prestigious university, and how she wouldn't get anywhere with that loser Moroboshi, and that she needed to make something of her life before it was too late. So she sucked it up, and walked to school every day, even the bad ones.

Ataru, who was currently walking next to her, was the same way. But he always seemed to drag behind the others, even in their class. Shinobu figured that he just wasn't taking school seriously enough. After all, they did know each other since they were kids, so she would know Ataru better than even her parents would (or for that matter, better than his own parents would).

Sure, there were some stumbling blocks, like her having to fend off his wandering hands, or trying to keep him away from staring after other girls, or his attempts to get at Shibuya during that big game of tag last week, where he needed several people and a few good meters of rope (the heavy, thick kind they use to tie cargo ships to the dock) to hold him down to keep him from trying to get away, screaming about that Oni-girl all the time.

Well hopefully, after all that had been settled, the oni-girl would be long gone, somebody else's problem now. And she and Ataru would be looking forward to a nice, uneventful school year...

And then a sudden rush of air blew past her, her hair whipping forwards with the backwash of a middle aged man carrying a tarp covered wagon running at a very high speed, accompanied with a loud crunch from right next to her, where Ataru's body was crushed underfoot by him and the wagon.

Two young men dashed along the street, running across Ataru's injured body, squeezing out a squeal of protest from the boy.

"Slow down, you bastard!"

"Wait for us, old man!"

The two of them ran ahead, after the old man, down towards the street where Shinobu realised that Tomobiki High School was.

And Shinobu had also recognised the face of one of the man's pursuers: the very face of the boy who beat that oni-girl last week.

Shinobu felt an increasing sense of dread. Maybe this school year won't be as easy after all...

* * *

Four figures watched the courtyard outside the school, as the morning rush of students progressed.

"You heard the news? The guy who defeated Lum at tag is going to school here!"

"Yeah, I heard. That looks like him coming up the road now, following some ugly freak with a wagon..."

"So should we do something about it?"

"We have to find out where Lum is, after all. I say we snatch him and pump him for information."

"But isn't that gonna be risky?"

"Where Lum is involved, the rewards are greater than any risk! Prepare the chloroform rags!"

* * *

"Look at it, Ryuunosuke!" Fujinami proudly said. "This is your greatest challenge now! This is the gateway to your manhood!"

"I don't need to enter manhood!" Ryuunosuke panted. "I'm a chick!"

"Quiet!" Fujinami bellowed. "This is our new home, Ryuunosuke! Here, is the enraged sea that you must now face! I expect you to be putting your all into your studies!"

"Yeah, sure." Ryuunosuke said cooly. "And what did you put in the application?"

Fujinami crossed his eyes. "Application? What application?"

"The application for the school! What did you put in it?"

"The school application?" Fujinami asked, apparently very thoughtful. "ah, it was so long ago... What was it again...?"

* * *

Shinobu and Ataru arrived at the school just as a massive commotion erupted, involving that Fujinami boy chasing after that old man with a look of sheer viciousness on his face. The boy was savagely swinging his way at the man, but the twisted expression on his face was showing that the boy was unable to touch him at all, even with his most violent swings.

Next to him, a younger boy with a shaved head and wearing a camo-patterned tee shirt and cargo pants was watching the fight with some concern. It looked all to Shinobu like he was trying not to join in on the fight himself, his body trembling and his hands balling into shaking fists.

Back in the courtyard, Ryuunosuke was struggling. Her punches were not landing on her father, and he was dancing away with every swing, shooting around and past her in that goofy, bizarre fashion that it seemed he was powered more by insanity than anything else. He slid from the range of Ryuunosuke's fist, to land on top of the wagon with surprising ease.

Quick as a flash, he pulled out something blue from under his shirt. Ryuunosuke's eyes widened as she realised what it was."You see this, Ryuunosuke?" Fujinami shouted from atop the wagon. "This sailor fuku will be yours, if you manage to defeat me! The only way to get your wish is to prove you're a better man that I am!"

However, Ryuunosuke wasn't listening to her father's words. Her eyes were singularly transfixed on the sailor fuku in his hands; the clothes that she saw many girls wear around since she was a kid. The very thing she had always desired from when she was very small, even as she believed her father's lies. The very thing that, in the act of wearing it, granted her femininity, a gift that she had desired for years: a chance to rejoin the natural order of society as she saw it, not as her father's twisted ideals.

"Fine then... It's on!" Ryuunosuke grabbed her shirt and whipped it off. "If I can win that sailor fuku from you, and I can become a real woman again, I'll do whatever it takes! Even If I'll have to die to do it!"

A large outcry rose as everyone stared at Ryuunosuke, her torso now flagrantly bared for everyone to see. Under her shirt, she wore a white traditional white cloth bandage, like something a samurai, a yakuza or a post-war delinquent would wear. But where those men would've worn that cloth tightly wrapped around their chests for armour, for Ryuunosuke it was a matter of modesty, keeping her breasts from being exposed or unsupported. However, the fit looked so uncomfortable that Shinobu inwardly winced at the amount of pain she must have been in, alongside some of the other girls who are present.

However, Shinobu was so surprised by this revelation that she didn't notice Ataru having that look in his eyes that, if she did notice, she would have recognised as the same look he had when an especially pretty young lady came across his path. The kind of pretty young thing that Ataru, as was his own nature, would be loath to resist at least watching.

"I'll defeat you, old man!" Ryuunosuke shouted. "This time for sure!" She screamed out as she charged towards the wagon, fully intent on beating her father into a fine paste. Her body leaned forward, and her legs were working even harder than they did when she was facing Lum during that game of tag. Her arms were braced, ready to move as she moved to leap up top to deliver a flying kick...

...only to be stopped cold as somebody suddenly wrapped himself around her waist, holding her tightly. "Hello there, lovely! Why are you fighting him for the right to be a woman? Can't you see I'm right here? I can make a woman out of you!"

Shinobu's jaw dropped as Ataru wound himself a little bit more tighter around Ryuunosuke's waist, trying his patented immobilisation techniques that gave him the infamous reputation of Ataru the Hugger, on this guy who was already trying to fight for something that was very deeply important to her.

And so, her opponent wasted no time in trying to knock her over: Fujinami leapt upwards, in a rather strange pose, and then suddenly delivered a savage axe kick across Ryuunosuke's face, sending her toppling over onto the ground. Ryuunosuke twirled around in place from the impact, before landing hard on the ground face first.

Ryuunosuke's partner rose upwards, his fists balled. "You son of a..." He lurched forwards to try to help Ryuunosuke, but was promptly grabbed from behind by Ataru. "Hey, let me go!"

"I can't let you do that!" Ataru replied, a grave look on his face. "This is Ryuunosuke's battle, and hers alone! It would be unmanly for you to interfere!"

Hayato wheeled around at Ataru, his teeth bared in a fashion that reminded Ataru of a lion that was tremendously pissed off. "You're the guy who cost her the fight, you dick! Where do you get off talking about crap like Ryuunosuke's honour?"

Ataru grinned nervously. "Well, it's the principle of the thing you, see..."

Shinobu had already ran over to Ryuunosuke's prone form, kneeling over and gently raising up her face in her hands as she regained consciousness. "Ryuunosuke, are you alright?"

"Shinobu!" Ataru shouted, while pointing at Shinobu. "This is a man to man fight! Don't interfere in it!"

"Ryuunosuke's a girl, dumbass!" The kid shouted, grabbing Ataru by the collar and hauling him up off of his feet.

Ryuunosuke's eyes opened, and Shinobu, despite herself, was struck by them... Big glittering black eyes with with large irises. They widened slightly, and Shinobu had realised that they were focused on somebody past her. She turned around to see Mr. Fujinami, grinning smugly over their heads.

"Ryuunosuke..." He said. "You are still ten years away from defeating me!"

Shinobu stared up at his laughing face, and looked down at Ryuunosuke's... And noticed the streams of tears coming down of her cheeks. Her eyes widened in horror as she realised the complete look of devastation on her face. In her stomach she felt a burning rage rise within her, as she realise just how badly this girl had lived her life...

"This girl..." Shinobu began. "You raised this _girl_ to make her a man, and by humiliating her like this? What kind of a father are you?" She looked up with flashing eyes at Ryuunosuke's father...

...to suddenly see him riding the wagon down the courtyard at a inhumanly high speed, laughing all the way down.

"AT LEAST LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING HERE!" Shinobu shrieked after him.

"Come on, Shinobu!" That strange kid shouted, lugging Ataru behind her. "We've got to get after him!"

Shinobu gently pulled Ryuunosuke up to her feet again, and ran after the violent boy lugging her boyfriend as if he was some massive flail. "Well, I suppose it's alright for you to defend her honour like this..." She said, once she caught up with the two. "But why are you taking Ataru as well?"

"Simple!" The youth replied. "You're the one who cost Ryuunosuke her chance to wear a sailor fuku! So now you're going to be the one who costs him several bones and a skull, when I club the shit out of him with your own body!"

"What?" Ataru shouted, his eyes bugging out. "You've got to be kidding me! Shinobu! Shinobu, save me from the wrath of this mad man!"

"It'll be all right Ataru!" Shinobu said with a smile. "Your body can take it! Just man up and take those blows, and you'll be fine!"

Ataru looked between the crazy boy and Shinobu, his face sweated. "You're both insane! Both of you! I don't know why I even come here in the first place... HEY, WAIT A SECOND!"

Both Shinobu and the boy looked at Ataru, who had gone white, and was pointing frantically at the spot where Ryuunosuke...

Where Ryuunosuke used to be.

"Ryuu-chan is missing!" Ataru shouted as he pointed at the empty space. "Somebody made off with her while we weren't looking!"

* * *

Ryuunosuke groaned as she returned to consciousness for the second time that day, her vision currently swimming as she tried to fight off the effects of whatever it was she was dosed with back there.

As her eyes focused, one thing swam into view through her foggy vision.

Lum's face.

Ryuunosuke shook her head, and the image of Lum had changed, to the the sight of her dancing across Shibuya in the afternoon sky, a carefree smile on her face as she moved through the air with inhuman grace.

The image changed again, and now Lum was battling her, their bodies moving with a degree of grace that she never thought she had until she saw it for herself.

Her eyes scanned her surroundings: a dingy, dark chamber with a wooden floor, and various mechanical setups. The images of Lum that she was watching were on a small slim laptop, being hooked up to a projector shining those pictures out on the wall.

Ryuunosuke inwardly winced as the image changed again, to herself and Lum in an embrace following the shock treatment the Oni-girl gave her, an experience that she sorely didn't want to remember, or revisit.

She shifted her gaze to the five figures that were watching the projector screen, a motley crew indeed: one of them wasn't so much a man as some kind of monster, the top of his head easily inches above the rest. He looked like the kind of guy either New Japan or the Yakuza would be seeking out as soon as he left school. The guy next to him, with brown hair and glasses, looked pretty scrawny, but his upright posture and body language showed that he was in command of this little troop. The one next to him was a similar body type, except he had the yankee hairstyle. Across from the projector were two more boys, one of them stout and broad across... well everything, and the other one about as small as a boy his age could be without being officially classed as a midget.

Ryuunosuke inwardly cursed herself, that she had been captured by a bunch of weirdoes and weaklings such as these. She might as well just give up and bite the bullet now...

But before she could say anything, the projector had stopped, and the light snapped on. It was soon obvious to Ryuunosuke where she was: the mass of mechanic parts meant they must be inside the school's clock tower, hidden away from everyone else.

Megane stepped forwards, moving in front of the screen to address his brethren. "That, comrades, is all the data we have on Lum-chan so far. The beautiful Lum-chan has inexplicably fallen in love with the ungrateful bastard Fujinami Ryuunosuke, and it's been a week since she left for her home planet, to apply for her Alien Registration Permit!"

_Ungrateful bastard?_ Ryuunosuke thought, a flash of rage spiking through her body.

"We, who cannot contain our longing for Lum-chan any more, have hereby established the 'Committee to Bring Lum Back To Earth', and are beginning operations to ensure her presence enlightens our lonely planet once more!"

Ryuunosuke fumed as the rest of the group applauded Megane. So these assholes are trying to use her to get to Lum themselves! What kind of scum did this school accept as their students?

"And so, let me introduce you to our bait to bring Lum to us once again! Her fiancé, who was brought to this very school for reasons unfathomable... Fujinami Ryuunosuke!"

Ryuunosuke glared at the gathering of people surrounding her, looking down at her like she was some kind of pet for them. "So you want me here just to bait her into comin' back for me?" she sneered. "You guys are even dumber than I thought!"

"QUIET!" Megane shouted.

"Or what?" Ryuunosuke shot back. "Anything you do won't match up to what my old man does to me!"

"We're willing to do anything if it would return Lum to us!" Megane snarled, apparently brushing aside Ryuunosuke's threats.

"And what if she totally blows you off? What, you even thought that through?" Ryuunosuke shouted.

Megane shrugged. "That isn't the issue here! Now, we have invited one of the senior members of the Tomobiki Torture Research Club. It would be in your best interests to cooperate with us..."

"You think you'd even be able to lay your hands on me?" Ryuunosuke said, raising herself up as much as her chains would allow. "You really haven't thought this through!"

Megane glared back at Ryuunosuke. "We'll make you see our side soon enough. Sadoyama, get him!"

The muscle-mountain leered at Ryuunosuke, and advanced while she twisted her wrists so that her chains were held in her hands, waiting until he got close enough to her.

Sadoyama moved a couple more steps towards Ryuunosuke, only for Ryuunosuke to suddenly leap upwards. Fine enough, Sadoyama thought, the chains would keep the punk from getting out of his reach.

Unfortunately, he thought that just before his head was caught in between a pair of rather strong, rock hard thighs. The crushing grip was cutting off Sadoyama's circulation, and he started to feel dizzy, just as he felt himself being lifted upwards, from Ryuunosuke twisting herself backwards in a tight somersault, quickly followed by the sudden shock of his head being driven into the hardwood floor with shocking force.

Ryuunosuke opened her thighs, letting Sadoyama slide to the floor, unconscious. "You guys really haven't thought this through... Lum can fly, remember? And shoot lighting from her fingers? And I beat her in that tag game, in thirty minutes flat!" She stared at the small group of boys, who were now all clustered behind Megane. "I've been training to be heir to that old man's crappy teashop ever since I was born... He made me work through the winter, when people would be crazy to come to the beach. He beat the shit out of me all the time, calling it training! He made me fight off bill collectors, loan sharks and people he stole food from! I've been fighting him since I was a kid! He's one of the most dangerous people I know! And you think you can torture me?"

Ryuunosuke full-on glared at the frightened boys. "You guys don't even know who you are fucking with!"

Megane's look of terror shifted into his best attempt at a smarmy smile, but considering his company, it still looked pretty strained. "Now now, Fujinami-san!" He said, obviously trying to change her tack. "Maybe it seems that we have gotten off on the wrong foot here, but we are willing to negotiate with you!"

Ryuunosuke still glared at Megane, making him shrink back a little, while everyone else hugged the walls on the other side of her. "You call this 'negotiation'? You guys make me sick!"

Megane's smile cracked a little. "Why, we can make your life easier for you, if you help us bring Lum back! We can help you pass exams with flying colours, give you all the answers! We could save you a pot of the best curry on Thursday lunchtime! Maybe we can tempt you with some fine women from Busumetsu High School, the kind that you would easily pass Lum up for!"

Ryuunosuke glared at Megane. "You've got to be fucking joking! I'm not making deals with people who chloroform me!" She took in a breath to say something else, only to suddenly be thumped hard on the head. "Ow! Who the hell hit me?"

"Quiet, boy! I'm not letting you screw up an angle like this!"

Ryuunosuke's eyes widened, even as her head was pushed down. "Dad? What the hell?"

The old man smiled in a distressingly wide fashion. "Now, what have you got to offer us again? I think we might be able to negotiate something for you boys..."

* * *

Shinobu hurried up the main staircase of Tomobiki High School, Ataru and Hayato following closely behind. One of the girls in the grounds had seen Ryuunosuke chloroformed and carried off, and Shinobu had checked every part of the school that she knew of. Only the clock tower, the usual haunt of the Torture Research Club, was left.

Shinobu was currently bracing herself against the trapdoor, trying to lift it as best she could. "They must have put some weight on it..."

"Why don't we break on through instead?" The kid asked. "We've already got a battering ram here!" He motioned towards Ataru, who had the decency to look indignant.

"Hey, I told you I was sorry, okay?" Ataru protested. "I ain't your personal tool for anything..."

Ataru's words were suddenly interrupted by a loud crack, and clattering and screams from above them. His eyes turned to Shinobu, smiling brightly in front of the trapdoor, that looked more like it was forced open by Giant Baba than a regular school girl.

Shinobu smiled, doing a little "V"-sign with her fingers. "The door's open!"

* * *

Ryuunosuke managed to wriggle her head out from under her father's grasp after a few more minutes of these "negotiations", just as she heard a loud crack from the far side of the room. She raised her head to see two of the students who tried to help her earlier, emerging from the broken remains of the trapdoor. "Ryuunosuke-kun! Are you alright?" The brown haired girl-Shinobu, right?- asked frantically.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Mr. Fujinami suddenly shouted, having covered the distance between Ryuunosuke and the trapdoor to suddenly get right into Shinobu's face, causing her to bend over backwards in shock. "You dare to interfere in my son's reunion with his beloved fiancée? What kind of woma-"

The impact of Ataru's skull against his chin sent the old man flying, smashing him hard against the ceiling. Shinobu quickly raised herself back upwards, and finally entered the chamber, followed quickly by Hayato.

"Good thing we got in here in time!" Hayato said. "Otherwise there would've been some shenanigans afoot!"

"Shenanigans?" Megane ground out. "We were just in the middle of negotiations with Ryuunosuke here to bring back our Lum to Earth!"

"What's so special about Lum anyway?" Shinobu protested. "Just because she has a pretty face, and rather large breasts, and flies around wearing nothing but that bikini... What makes her so attractive?"

"Shut up!" Mr. Fujinami shot back. "Women have no place questioning the ideals of men!"

Hayato reached back and grabbed the prone Ataru's outstretched leg. "The only person who has no place here... is **YOU!**" In one swift motion, he swung the unconscious youth like a flail, smashing him into Mr. Fujinami and sending the old bastard toppling to the ground. Quickly, Hayato was on Fujinami, using the barely conscious Ataru to beat him like a dirty futon, the force of the impacts literally driving him further into the wooden floor, leaving cracks beneath.

Shinobu dashed forwards, trying to grab at Hayato's hand, to try to keep him from breaking anything Ataru might need. "Let him be, Hayato-kun! The man isn't worth using my boyfriend to bludgeon him with!"

"Lemme go!" Hayato protested. "I've still got to work more anger out of my system!"

"Come on...!" Ataru weakly protested, his face feeling rather tender and bruised. "You've had your fun, already!"

"This is supposed to be for justice, not fun!" Hayato shot back, bludgeoning Mr. Fujinami once more with Ataru's bruised body, before Shinobu gripped his wrist tightly and didn't let go. He dropped Ataru's leg, not because of any satisfaction, but because his hand was starting to feel numb.

"Can you at least think of Ryuunosuke, and not just beating the crap out of people you don't like?" Shinobu asked, pointing to the now empty shackles on the wall. "They've made off with her now!"

* * *

This was so stupid.

_Ventora ventora, space people!_  
_Ventora ventora, space people!_

Ryuunosuke struggled against the ropes tightly wound around her arms, hung from a bar above the clock tower, making her level with the clock itself. She wriggled and swung on the rope, but she was having some slight trouble trying to get anywhere.

_Ventora ventora, space people!  
Ventora ventora, space people!_

On the balcony below her, the Lum fanboys (plus her badly-beaten looking old man, who somehow snuck in among them) were making a circle with their linked hands, and doing a little dance.

_Ventora ventora, space people!  
Ventora ventora, space people!_

Angrily, she struggled more against the ropes. She was really starting to wish that Lum really did come here now! She would come here and certainly give these losers a piece of her mind for hurting her "darling" like this!

_Ventora ventora, space - What the...?_

Ryuunosuke's head jerked upwards as she saw a streak of lighting suddenly crack across the clear morning sky. Her eyes widened as she saw clouds forming out of nowhere, twisting together to form a black spiral in the sky, flashing with lighting like in a Toho special effects movie.

"It's working!" Megane shouted joyfully. "Onward, men! Put some back into it!" Once again, the people below started doing their strange dance again, ringing around the rosey together in the hopes that whatever - or whoever - was inside that black spiral in the sky would take notice and come down to them.

_Ventora ventora, space people!  
Ventora ventora, space people!_

The black spiral tightened together, turning into a black spot hanging upwards in the sky...

_Ventora ventora, ou tomodachi!  
Ventora ventora, irrashai!  
Ventora ventora, hayakukai!_

Suddenly, a flying saucer burst from the black spot in the sky, to the jubilation of the people below, and Ryuunosuke's terror. However, the flying saucer didn't look anything like Lum's UFO at all. As confusion reigned below, the saucer's underbelly suddenly flashed a blinding white, and Ryuunosuke felt herself being lifted up by nothing. Ryuunosuke tried not to panic as she and the people below were pulled up into the saucer...

Then she was suddenly blinded by a flash of light, followed closely by the feeling of several bodies landing roughly on her as she impacted on a smooth metal floor. She fought to regain her senses under the massive heap of people she was under, and wriggled her body the best she could out from under the large pile.

The sight that met her eyes wasn't very reassuring: she was inside a massive chamber that for all intents and purposes was the cockpit of the UFO, a domed metal chamber with walls on which were several flashing, blinking lights and control panels. In front of her was a large chair, obviously the control seat, in front of a massive screen that currently showed Tomobiki High School, and the grounds outside.

Around the back of the seat, a strange face leered at her. It sat on a green, gelatinous-looking body that resembled a cross between Godzilla and a Shmoo, but much, much more sleazy looking.

Almost immediately, most of the people who were formerly right on top of her scrambled backwards to hug the wall, moving as far away from the thing as possible. Ryuunosuke simply stared at the Shmoo-zilla, wondering why he was still leering at her like that.

"An alien!"

"They've abducted us!"

"What did ya think he was gonna do, moron?"

"He might dissect us, or probe us, or some shit!"

Shinobu crawled up next to Ryuunosuke. "Do you have any idea what's going on? We were just coming onto the balcony to help get you down, when this weirdo picked us up..."

"I know as much as you do." Ryuunosuke answered back. "Maybe we could at least talk to him...? He doesn't look like he could do anything to us..."

Shinobu nodded, and Ryuunosuke looked at the green Shmoo-zilla. "Hey! Who are you? What do you want with us?"

The Shmoo-zilla grinned at her. "Are you going anywhere?"

Ryuunosuke blinked. "Huh?"

"Where are you going to? What's your destination?"

Destination? What was this guy, a bus service? Ryuunosuke just shook her head. "I don't care about that! What I want is..."

"What you want is to find your little girlie, isn't it, Ryuunosuke?"

Ryuunosuke wheeled around to face the pile of bodies behind her... which suddenly exploded outwards to reveal her father, still slightly bruised from the beating Hayato gave him. "Isn't it the truth, Ryuunosuke? You just want to find your fiancée again, and leave your father behind! You insolent, egotistical boy!"

Ryuunosuke gritted her teeth. "What are you talking about? I _can't_ marry Lum, remember?"

The Shmoo-zilla turned his head to look at Ryuunosuke, before returning to his panel. "Issat Lum of the Oni, kid?" He started pressing some buttons on the massive control panel in front of him.

Ryuunosuke blinked again, temporarily cut short by the alien's question. "Uh... Yeah, Lum of the Oni... Wait a sec, how do you know about her?"

The Shmoo-zilla promptly grabbed his gear stick, wrenched it into a different gear, and the inside of the saucer was once again a blinding white, and the inside of the chamber suddenly rippled as if the walls were tablecloths just yanked by a naughty child.

The saucer suddenly disappeared from view outside of Tomobiki, punching through the barriers of space and time to flow through dimensions like water, moving across a realm where all of space and time were the consistency of mouldy year-old Camembert that had been left out in the sun too long. The Earthlings within shuddered in fear as one moment, they were just above a small high school in Metropolitan Tokyo, and the next thing they knew, a pink planet on somebody else's arse-end of the universe.

The gathered passengers stared down at the massive planet that was now visible in the cockpit screen, bright pink in colour, with blue clouds streaming across its surface. If it wasn't for the fact that they had accidentally arrived at the planet by a random argument between two of the passengers, they probably would have even marvelled at the sight of another inhabited Earth-like planet.

But now, as they were quickly descending through the pink atmosphere and flying through the clouds down into a rather large looking city, everybody was starting to feel somewhat worried. Especially Shinobu, who was trying to get Ataru to ask her out on a date, and managed to convince him to take her out after school, and Ryuunosuke, who was getting the sneaking suspicion that she might have been responsible for getting several people stranded on another planet.

The bottom of the saucer opened up from beneath their feet, and everyone was promptly mercilessly dumped down onto the unfamiliar ground, in another awkward pile. Ryuunosuke, thankfully, was on top of the pile this time, and quickly scrambled down to try and help separate the group.

Behind her, the Shmoo-zilla had safely floated down to the ground. "Hey, kid! What about my payment?" He held out his hand impatiently for Ryuunosuke. "You can't expect me to go home empty handed, do you?"

Ryuunosuke stared at the green blob in confusion. "Payment? But I didn't say anything! And how the hell did ya find us, anyway?"

"Payment for riding the Space Taxi, of course!" The Shmoo-zilla responded. "I was just passing by your planet when I heard this really loud call coming from your place..." He looked impatient as Ryuunosuke stared at him, disbelieving. "Listen kid, if you don't cough up the dough, then you're going to be in debt to us, understand?"

Ryuunosuke scowled at the green blob, then looked back at the rest of her party, having untangled themselves from the mass of confused limbs, and had gathered up behind her. She gave a special glance to her father, who just stood there inert, a completely nonchalant look on his face, before turning back to the Shmoo-zilla.

"Uh... How much is it?" Ryuunosuke asked.

The green blob pulled out a calculator from Somewhere, and began tapping at the keys with a pensive look on his face, muttering something about the "subspace superhighway" to himself, before showing the device to Ryuunosuke.

"Here: about 6.9 MegaCredits, or roughly about the net value of the resources of your planet!"

A terrible silence descended on the group.

* * *

Lum flicked through her Oni-language copy of _So You're Marrying A Princess From Outer Space: A Guide To Human/Alien Relations_ by Derek Bacon, pausing every so often to take a Super Hot Nugget from the box next to her. She had finally finished the painstaking process of getting her Alien Registration Permit, and was now onto the final stages of verification before she could receive it, and make her way to Earth. She needed to prepare herself for when she reunited with her Darling, and for the marriage, and for what comes after, and she knew that just because her husband to be wasn't from the Oni Authority's list of suitable planets for breeding, it didn't mean that she couldn't make it work. If she could give her husband a couple of lessons in manners, a little reward here, and a little chastisement there, she would be able to produce a spouse that even Rei would fear trying to get past...

Suddenly, a tumultuous sound, that almost sounded like several Japanese people in unison screaming "**What the fuck?**" into a microphone rigged up to a massive speaker, ripped through the air, shaking the very foundation of her UFO home to the core. Lum toppled off the bed, landing hard on her bottom. She raised herself again, and peered out the window towards what she thought was the source of the noise.

It almost sounded to her like the voice of her future husband was among them... But that can't be right, he was still on Earth, waiting for her to come back!

She paused for a moment, mulling it over.

The next second, she was out of the door of her home, speeding away towards the source of the cacophony that rocked the surrounding area of her UFO...

* * *

"You're makin' a pretty big mistake here, buddy boy!" The Shmoo-zilla uttered, despite the fact that he was currently buried beneath several rocks, stones, and other geological phenomena of Onishuto. "If you cross the Space Taxi Union, the Union would crush you like a bug!"

"You kiddin' me?" Ryuunosuke angrily replied, twisting the broken tree branch she used to bludgeon the Space Taxi Driver in her hands. "You ain't even in the condition to even walk!"

The green blob simply scowled at him. "It's you who ain't getting the point here! When my bros at the depot find out about this, they'll come down like the rain an' wash scum like you off the streets! You're out of order here, boogie boy!"

Ryuunosuke opened her mouth to correct the Shmoo-zilla on her proper gender, only for a hand to come down and push her head down hard, nearly wrenching her neck. "Ryuunosuke! You beat up this defenceless taxi driver, and you expect him to be sorry about bringing you to your lady love? I didn't raise you to play with other women's hearts like this!"

Ryuunosuke made strangled sounds that, for all intents and purposes, were supposed to be protestations and arguments for her case, but the hand crushing her jaw against her collarbone was interfering badly.

"It seems that it's once again up to your father to help work everything out!" He said priggishly.

The Lum-Otaku foursome all exchanged glances, before swarming Mr. Fujinami. "You've got an angle to get us out of this? Tell us, tell us!" The little runt pleaded.

Ryuunosuke grunted, trying her best not to let her neck get wrenched. However, she was quickly tossed aside, and landed hard on her side with a strangled "ow!". As Ataru and Shinobu ran to her side, she rolled to her back quickly, sitting up as her father approached the green blob.

"Don't listen to what my son says, he's just an insolent child." He said, with a shit eating grin on his face. "None of us have any use for the planet Earth any more, so you can do what you want with it!"

Ryuunosuke flopped back down, along with everyone else toppling to the ground like dominoes.

"My boy has just been engaged to a nice girl from a rich family on this planet," He continued. "And we were looking to move here for him to be with her. And you know how it is, having to go such a long way! Thankfully, we've brought everything along with us, so we have nothing on Earth that we might miss..."

The Shmoo-zilla looked pensive. "Well, I guess that sounds good enough for us..."

Shinobu rose, her face bright red, and creased so badly it looked like her face was turning into a volcano about to explode. "What are you talking about? Are you honestly willing to sell the Earth to these slime? Just for the sake of having your daughter marry somebody she probably isn't even attracted to?"

Mr. Fujinami simply nodded. "Of course! The Fujinami line must be preserved, and must find itself glory, at all costs! Why shouldn't you just get a job here, on this planet? Or just sell yourself on the streets? You've certainly got the hips for it!"

Shinobu and Ataru looked absolutely apoplectic. The four goobers still weren't recovered from the mass facefault. Ryuunosuke was seriously considering patricide.

And it was at that point that a familiar voice called out:

"_Daaaahh-liiing!_"

Ryuunosuke wheeled around to face Lum who was currently gliding towards her at a shockingly high speed. Before she could react, Lum had knocked her over again and captured her in a tight bear-hug, accompanied with an additional mild electric current. Cries of Lum's name came from around her, shouted by Ataru and the four crazy weirdoes.

"G-get offa me! Stop that!" Ryuunosuke squawked as she was once again flash fried. The two of them wriggled around for a second, before Ryuunosuke could wriggle out from Lum's grasp. "Stop doing that! You're gonna kill me with those electric shocks!"

Lum blinked, surprised by Ryuunosuke's outburst. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Darling! Nobody I know complains about the lightning!"

"That's because everyone you know is an Oni!" Shinobu responded. "We're just humans!"

"Maybe your capacitive resistance needs to be strengthened!" Lum said brightly, not exactly listening to Shinobu's words. "Then it wouldn't matter if I have any more little accidents like that again!"

"Listen, can we save this discussion for later?" Ataru asked, moving smoothly next to Lum. "Because the old man there is trying to sell away our planet for the taxi trip here!"

Lum stared at Ataru. Ryuunosuke curiously watched her stare at Ataru, while Shinobu prepared to get him away from Lum while she was still staring at him. Lum stared at Ataru for a good ten to fifteen seconds before...

"You... WHAT?"

Lum's jaw worked for another few seconds after her outburst. Mr. Fujinami turned to Lum. "Ah! It's the bride-to-be herself! It's a pleasure to meet you on this auspicious day. We've come to organise an _omiai_ for you!"

"But I'm engaged already, ya moron! I don't need an _omiai_!" Ryuunosuke protested. "An' I don't WANT one either!"

"That's nice..." Lum began, somewhat shaken, but with a polite smile pasted on her face. "But you didn't have to sell the Earth to take a Space Taxi here! I was going to pick her up when my permit came back tomorrow!"

She turned to the Shmoo-zilla. "Listen, I'll take care of the fare for these people myself! I apologise for anything you might have gone through!" She bowed towards the grinning green blob, and turned back to Ryuunosuke. "Now, Darling, we need to negotiate with your father about staying here..."

Ryuunosuke shook her head. "Lum! You've got it all wrong!" She pointed at the four geeks still standing around them. "These assholes made me come here so they could see you!"

"Oh, that's nice!" Lum said happily. "I never thought I'd get other admirers from Earth! Most people invaded by Oni are rather resentful!"

Ryuunosuke gritted her teeth. This was going nowhere! It was time that she settled this once and for all!

"Lum, I gotta level with ya. We can't get married!"

Lum blinked at Ryuunosuke, somewhat surprised. "Why not?"

Ryuunosuke pondered the right way to answer the question without sounding like a moron. "Well, for one, this ain't the way I like to dress!"

Lum blinked, confused. "That doesn't matter!"

Ryuunosuke wracked her brains for another excuse. "I smoke! I smoke all the time!"

"I don't care!"

"I have a criminal record!" Ryuunosuke continued. "I've been stealing food for my dad's teashop for the past three years, so we could take down the competition!"

"That's a lie!" Mr. Fujinami bellowed. "The food we got was merely appropriated from the less deserving cooks on the beach!"

Lum smiled softly. "I'll forgive you..."

"I can't give you children!" Ryuunosuke said desperately.

"Well, I suppose we could adopt some..." Lum replied pensively.

"But you don't understand, Lum!" Ryuunosuke shouted, grabbing her shirt and tearing it open. Lum's eyes widened as she saw Ryuunosuke's breasts tightly bound beneath her cloth bandage. "I'm a _woman!_"

Another silence descended on the group. Ryuunosuke stared back at Lum's shocked look on her face. Mr. Fujinami quietly looked around for a stick to beat his "son" to death with, to save him from the embarrassment.

Suddenly, a wide smile spread across Lum's face. "Well, nobody's perfect!"

Ryuunosuke stared, open mouthed at Lum. Lum smiled, and took Ryuunosuke's shock as a lowering of her defences, and swept her up into an embrace, and a deep kiss.

Tears streamed from Mr. Fujinami's eyes. "My son... Today is the day that you have become a man! Godspeed on you, boy!"

A second later, he was being viciously beaten black and blue by everyone else around him, wielding a variety of implements (apart from Hayato, who once again used Ataru's body).

* * *

The next day, two new students arrived at class 2-4.

Ryuunosuke stood before the gathered class, her eyes downcast in nervousness. She wore the standard Tomobiki High School boys uniform, having been unable to find her father to defeat her for the right to wear a sailor fuku. "I'm Fujinami Ryuunosuke. Pleased to meet you..." She stuttered.

Lum stood next to her, wearing the standard Tomobiki High School boys uniform. "My name's Lum! I'm her fiancée, and we plan to get married in June!" She said brightly. "I hope to have a good time with you all!"

The classroom filled with cries of appreciation for the two new students, the girls all swooning over Shinobu, while the guys all shouted out their support for Lum.

Ryuunosuke meanwhile looked aside at her new fiancée, who was smiling brightly. She knew that Lum would try anything to make this work out. But she knew, barring the sky falling on them all, that she could never pull it off...

Ryuunosuke would see that she couldn't!

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

Second chapter, oh yeah! This was kind of a long time coming. I have a habit of starting projects and then leaving them off, or forgetting about them for an insanely long period of time, but I managed to squeeze out another chapter for you people. I suppose I should be explaining myself, now that I'm two chapters in and now working on a third:

I've been reading fanfiction since I first got onto the internet properly, since I was about fifteen or sixteen, back in the heady early days of the Fan Fiction Mailing List, back before had existed. This was a time when Ranma 1/2 was spreading across the globe like wildfire, and almost every other story either was a Ranma story, or had characters from Ranma in it.

However, I wasn't that much of a Ranma fan to begin with. My favourite Takahashi anime was Urusei Yatsura. And Urusei Yatsura wasn't half as represented as Ranma was, possibly because it was released with subtitles only by AnimEigo, But I had enjoyed it all the same, and Ryuunosuke became my favourite character. However, Urusei Yatsura is still underrepresented on the fanfiction front, with only the Senior Year-related stuff and a couple of others to show for it. So now I've decided that this would be my way of providing a boost to Urusei Yatsura fanfiction everywhere!

This, as you may have guessed from the title, is partly inspired by The Sage of Toads' Ranma fanfic _"The Key To A Successful Interview Is A Good First Impression!"_, so you're probably going to expect a few of those elements to start getting mixed in with the story as it goes along. And of course, I'm a pretty big fan of the works of Shadow Crystal Mage, so expect some elements from his stories to be making an appearance too.

TV TROPES, DATTEBAYO~!


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